Saturday, October 24, 2009

No Man is an Island

Our group meets tonight. It' a good mix, mostly parents of gays, a couple ex-gays, and one or two plain old super generous Christain souls that come just to show their support and to pray with us.
You know it's said when someone comes out of the closet their loved ones go in. So true - the pain, the shame, the shock and the knowledge that generally church-going type people won't understand. All of it forces people living with ssa into isolation. In a group (and online) you get to hear every side of living with SSA. It is equally heartbreaking to hear a mother or father's pain for their SSA child as as it is to hear the struggler's testimony. Both journeys are filled with shame, guilt, confusion, lonliness and regrets.
But there is something absolutely theraputic in sharing and listening to each other's pain and learning from one another's experience. Something so powerfully strengthening in knowing you are not alone , in praying for other's instead of wallowing in self-pity. God had to be the designer here. The sharing forces us into a community, where we see a bigger picture that helps us to survive our personal pain. To our surprise, we find that by carrying each other's crosses our own cross has mysteriously been lightened.

Find a group, in a church, on-line, anywhere you can. If you can't find a group, create one of friends. Confide in someone of the highest caliber, someone of great personal charity. Just take that first step, and I bet you'll feel a difference.
I am enormously renewed after every group session, after every opening up of my heart to my fellow man. Can they solve all the problems of living with SSA? Can they heal me, heal my family? Maybe not, but I know they are a part of the answer.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. AMEN to that brother.
Peace all,

Friday, October 23, 2009

Hope does spring eternal. It better! It sucks living without it. In the back of my mind, I have hope even when I'm conscious of feeling despair. Maybe despair is a harsh word. It's more of a whiney woe is me, sorry for myself emotion than a desperate hopelessness.

Despair: 1. To lose all hope 2. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

In the battle with SSA, I'm guilty of number 2 at times. I have to own that. At those low moments, I can feel myself reaching out to the universe, screaming for God to fix it all if He really loves me, knowing He darn well could and feeling such deep self-loathing that I just must be so bad that I don't deserve His omnipotent rescue.

"..overcome by a sense of futility.." yup that sums it up. But it's not useless to fight ssa, not hopeless. Down deep I KNOW all of this is part of His plan for me and for my loved ones. "What doesn't kill us.." and all that - but more than strength, we're supposed to grow. And I think too, we're supposed to feel helpless (not defeated.) Afterall if we're not aware of our helplessness, our utter lack of power, how can we be humble enough to accept help? Our worst problems bring us to our knees and make us cry out for saving.

And what better, more intricate, more seemingly unsolveable problem could He have designed than SSA, from the politically correct lies that surround it, to the twisted mess of buried emotional problems that caused it, to the confusing feelings of repulsion and desire that drive it? It's so big ONLY GOD can solve it.

And then there's HOPE springing eternal from every blessed testimony I hear, every ex-gay I meet, and every family that has been drawn to God and faith because of SSA touching their lives.

For GOD LOVES ME and He loves my family. WOOT!

Visit SSA and hang in there.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hope is Alive and Well

We worry and fret, riding along our own anxieties like they were as real and frightening as the recycled, still running first wooden rollercoaster built at Coney Island in 1948. It's at Great Escape in Lake George, I swear. I got thinking our worries are recycled about as efficiently as that old rollercoaster, running at breakneck speed, bumping, rickety, shaky, feeling unsafe yet familiar.
Where's this going.. I dunno I guess the point is letting go of old ways is incredibly hard.
I was teaching a religion lesson to my daughter today and a picture really caught me. (Sorry I can't scan it just yet- not too saavy that way) It showed a car kinda hanging off a cliff and stuck in the mud at the same time. A tow truck driver had pulled up to help. Only he was telling the driver he couldn't help him till the man took his foot off the break.
Duh, we're the man, the car is our life, and God is the tow truck operator ready to help, wanting to help, but being the Guy He is..respecting our free will and all.. well He can't help us till we slip it into neutral and give him the power over our life.
Pray for me and I'll pray for you - all you beautiful souls who happen to live with SSA, either for yourself or your loved ones.